Mee - Wuargh

He was right. My mom didn’t seem too happy with the offer I got, she wants me to wait for another offer from a local-based company. But what if it never comes?

I’ve never felt my heart so heavy like this, even when I was moving to Hong Kong two years ago - with my dad being bedridden, with a relationship that was going on for almost 3 years - my heart was set on leaving the country. I just didn’t want to stay here. I just couldn’t continue staying here. Maybe I was running away from my current life at the time and really needed the change, maybe I just needed to live elsewhere.

But now, it’s different. I admit I’d jump at this offer to move to Singapore if it had come 6 months ago. But now I’ve set my heart on living here, I’ve even imagined the apartment area I want to be staying, the yoga classes I’ll be attending, the weekend dinner parties I’ll be hosting. I’ve thought about the short film projects I’ll be involved in, the writing gigs I will be doing.

My heart has never felt so heavy about wanting to accept a job offer, and the thing is, I don’t even know which option will make me happier. I don’t want to stay and regret, yet I don’t want to leave and be sad.

He said he’d leave to Singapore with me, if he could get a job there. I’d go in a heartbeat if that was the case. Maybe it’s been about him and I refuse to accept the fact. But even with me being here we only see each other once or twice a month. So if I leave would it make any difference then? To him?

I admit it’s progressed better in the last few weeks, and I feel really good about it. But he did not seem to put in any efforts about wanting to stop me from leaving. He asked why would I want to come back here and work for a small company when I’ve had experience working overseas. Shouldn’t I go out and expand? But it’s not all about him.

The contract is only for 11 months. After that I’d still have to come home. I’d still have to go through all these interviews and rejection of not being wanted by a local company. I’d still have to go through this all over again — unless I decide to work out and never come back.

And the thing is - I do want to come back. After being away for two years, I’ve felt how it’s like to be alone. To cry alone at night before you sleep, not having anyone — family, boyfriend, close friends to support you physically. Everyday you try so hard to be a part of your surroundings and yet you know you can never fit in.

I’ve already lost my dad when I was away. And I never thought I’d say this but - I want to appreciate every little moment I have with my mom.

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rapstar,

everytime I miss you I listen to your songs instead, on repeat, just to hear your voice.

- #1fan

http://www.dhuck.com/crushes/letter/665

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For some reason I  bumped into an Open Heart meditation website today, and found a whole lot of interesting articles about learning how to open your spiritual heart to love & light and it made me realise that I have not been able to listen to my heart lately. A lot of things have been happening to me and I still feel kind of lost about which direction I’m supposed to be heading to. I would really like to be able to listen to myself and know deep down what I need and what is good for me to be able to achieve my true purpose and potential.

So I downloaded the package and decided to give myself the much needed help. And I don’t know why but lately I find myself wanting to pray more, it just makes more sense now and it helps me focus on what I need to achieve at the moment. So after praying, I decided to try out the first step to Open Heart meditation, it’s called “How to Feel Your Heart”.

During this 10mins meditation exercise it asked me to relax and think about when I was happiest. I’m supposed to smile freely when I feel these happy thoughts and consume myself in it.

I tried to think about when I was last happy. And it shocked me to think that everytime I think about a moment when I was truly happy it quickly turned to sadness because these people/things are gone from my life. My ex boyfriend, my dad, my job. It said not to think too much into the details but I couldn’t help it. It made me want to cry when I realised that I have not been truly happy in such a long, long time. Even when I was happy on the outside I’ve been sad on the inside! I couldn’t even think of any moment that made me want to smile as per the meditation directions. Until the end I thought about my time spent with V, yes it was short, yes it wasn’t regular. But being with him made me happy. And maybe that’s why I keep him in a special place in my heart.

I guess I probably failed this first attempt to open my heart, but I could feel my heart and now know that it hasn’t been smiling. And maybe it’s true that I have been building a wall around my heart, because I’ve been afraid to feel for fear it would be hurt and broken. And I lie to myself and act like I don’t care or things don’t matter but I know that I should start listening to my heart now because I want to stop being afraid. And I want to feel again. And be open to anything that comes along - because I want to live this life.

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